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Friday, September 2, 2005
a reason for everything. riight.
Paranoia AGAIN this time, its worse. I think I brought it to a higher level. This time there are more reasons to be paranoid about. Is it true? Friendship is at its best when you don't talk to each other, feel left out and other stuff like those? I have given myself enough time to think about this. I've thought about this A LOT of times and yet no answer creeps into my mind. Maybe paranoia s a choice. I've been making the wrong choice then. I am a leech. I am epal. I leech into anyone's barkada during lunch or recess. I make epal to all those people I see. I haven't been hanging out with them eversince..I forgot..its been long enough to forget I guess. I've been having lunch, reces and all my breaks ALONE. Maybe it's a sign. Time for me to reflect. I don't like what I'm going through. It's so freakin' hard. Lately, I've been sad. I haven't been smiling exept for those moments that I see people who make me smile for no reson at all. For sure I still crack corknee jokes from time to time but then once I'm alone. Paranoia creeps in. I become emotionally unstable. Its not that I'm affecting a lot of people with what's happening. Only that when I ask random questions, it annoys them. Brings me farther away from them. I haven't been hanging out with my friends. I've been mastering alone-ness and how to be epal when you're sad. Who cares anyway. No one. I don't even care. (how plastic can I get?) I've been thinking too much I guess. No I'm not. I'm just saying how I feel and I don't feel good. These past few weeks I've been having a hard time breathing and that gives me the thought that I am dying. I AM dying; emotionally. I've been torturing myself with these thoughts. I'm killing myself. One day, I'm gonna look at the mirror and look for the old me.(too dramatic) I love life. I love life's challenges because its what keeps me going. Seems that E.E and IBE are out of the pic.. No they're not. Just that I haven't been seeing alot of them. MAYBE BECAUSE I'm too busy thinking inside the classroom. When I die I wanna say sorry to my friends. I am the source of pain. Say it. I'm paranoid. A lot of people hate me for that. It hurts. WHy can't people just say the truth? It hurts more when you become like me. Sucks to live a life like mine. Rocks to have friends and have a good time. labo.
20:31
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